I try not to post anything too depressing on this blog- Firstly because in general I don’t take life too seriously, and secondly because I see so much negativity on various other blogs/websites and I want mine to be refreshing and light hearted. However after a fair bit of consideration I have decided to post about my recent experiences with domestic abuse. I will spare no details and everything I write is the 100% truth- I don’t exaggerate or lie, as much as I detest my ex partner and everything he put me through. This is my story and whilst it may be painful at times to write/read, I have tried to inject some humour as quite a few incidents that took place within our year (Well just over a year) together were actually so bizarre that they could be seen to some as (almost) amusing.
So, as many of you who follow me on social media will know, I have recently come out of a very traumatic relationship with a well known adult actor who is double my age. (He has not been convicted of anything…… yet…… So I will not be naming him as I don’t fancy being dragged to court on an account of slander- We will just refer to him as…. Well…… “him” or “my abuser”….. You get the point). I had never heard very positive things about this man but when we met for the third time at a Christmas party, I fell for him almost instantly. I don’t know what it was as I wasn’t particularly attracted to him the first couple of times we had met- Physically, he had always appealed to me, but during our initial encounters had always seemed rather quiet, serious and at times, negative. However after a few drinks we were kissing, cuddling and chatting like old friends. We went back to my hotel (No “funny business”) then the following day I went to his house. From that day forward, we barely spent any time apart.
He was mainly polite and charming for the first couple of weeks- Not overally affectionate but I just figured that some men aren’t. The only thing that was off putting for me was the fact he never seemed to have any money and would ask me to pay for food/drinks/train tickets etc. I was aware from a few people in the industry that he had lost his home, was banned from seeing his daughter and had been dealt a “hard time” previously in the year so I gave him the benefit of the doubt…. If only at that point had I known the truth about his “hard time”- I would have run for the hills. Anyhow, weeks turned into a month and we went virtually everywhere together. He would come with me on tour because I didn’t like to be away from him- I had really fallen hard for who I had no idea at the time, would go on to be the person to destroy most aspects of life as I know it.
The first time I saw real warning signs was at my friend’s birthday party- He was moody the entire train journey to the hotel and kept telling me to stop talking and be quiet. I figured he may just be hungover as we had been down the pub the previous evening.. He was grouchy whilst getting dolled up for the party and didn’t speak much on the way to the venue. The evening went well, everyone had a good laugh and I actually saw him smile for one of the first times! (His “image” is very moody and serious, which initially I found to be an enigma that seemed to attract me more to this man). Come 4am-ish we were all partied out, so myself and my ex walked back to our hotel room (Which- of course- I had paid for). I was wearing high heels which by the end of a long night spent dancing and walking up and down various levels of stairs, are naturally not going make for the most comfortable walk. I was lagging behind a bit and he kept telling me to hurry up and saying I shouldn’t wear high heels if I could not walk in them. I told him that all my friends were dressing up so I wanted to also. I reached for his arm for support and he just shoved me away sneering, “Get off!”. I was taken aback at how angry he sounded so I just removed my shoes and tried to walk as close as I could alongside him- I was fairly drunk so I didn’t feel a great deal of pain. This was the first incident where I saw red flags and really I should have questioned his feelings and motivations towards me then, but I was caught up in what I thought could go on to be love, so I just switched my racing brain off and went to sleep.