My Domestic Violence Story- A Surreal Few Months Part 1/2

My Domestic Violence Story- A Surreal Few Months Part 1/2

Myself and my ex had a big rift when he found out I had been speaking out about him to my friends and also to his ex girlfriend (The mother of his child who he claims he hates). This caused a lot of problems, and in a way I do feel as though a lot of it was my wrongdoing, but I don’t feel I deserved the consistent punishment that I was put through as a result of it though.

It started when I was led in bed one morning after a horrendous night of being forced into the spare room and being called every name under the sun for going to the toilet too many times  and getting upset when he didn’t want to cuddle. I was at the end of my tether and kept wondering whether something bad had happened to him before I knew him to provoke his horrible mood swings and lack of empathy and emotion. I knew he had been with his ex partner a long time- Maybe she could shed some light on his situation, plus I was also curious as to whether he had treated her in the same unfair way he was treating me. I knew her name would be on the baby scan he kept in his room so I took the name down and typed it into Facebook. Straight away her profile popped up with a number of mutual friends- I went onto it, and there were the same photos of a baby that my ex had in his room, so I then knew I had found her. I wanted him to never find out, as I knew he would be angry so I messaged her discretely. A few weeks later I received a reply and we began chatting. What went from clinging to hope that she could give me any valuable information that could somehow help to make things better, turned into near enough horror as message after message revealed very similar experiences to what I was going through plus a couple of the threats of punishment he had made towards me, it seemed he had inflicted in real life on to her (I am 99% she was telling the truth because initially I never made reference to any of the things that he did to me- SHE disclosed this to ME and it matched several of my experiences with him so of course I was inclined to believe her). A few things she told me I can’t write here as I have no form of evidence that they actually took place (Although sadly I am pretty much convinced that they did). I felt really sad as I was hoping for some kind of explanation that would make at least some sense so that I could try and help him, but it seemed the only explanation was that he is not a very nice person, and a bully who enjoys mentally and financially destroying women. I had wondered if he’s had a traumatic childhood or suffered some tragedy that messed his mind up, something that love, support and maybe therapy could have helped with (I would have happily accompanied him to any counselling/anger management and even would have paid for it, if he really needed it) but I soon had to just accept that there was no reasonable explanation that could magically change this man into the loving, affectionate partner I so badly wanted him to be.
Armed with my new found knowledge, I began to really resent him, although at the same time I still kind of believed it was all somehow my fault as he was very convincing and able to worm his way deep into my mind. I had never really opened up to many people about the way he treated me so I confided in a few who had known him reasonably well for longer than I had. Unsurprisingly they were all only slightly taken aback by what I was telling them. This made me even more sad and angry so I guess I kind of just snapped, as I told anyone who would listen about his treatment of me, and even posted various comments on social media about it (But without directly naming him- I wrote that he was a well known male performer, of which in the uk, there are several). Within a day of these posts/comments being published, three industry veterans had privately messaged me to ask if it was him I was referring to….. Again this just made me even more upset, confused and angry as it was becoming apparent that he had a reputation for this kind of disturbing behaviour. I tried to talk to him myself about how his behaviour and attitude was affecting me (I will admit I kept the part regarding the fact that I had been speaking to others about him and enjoying a good bitch- fest to myself) but he just told me that I am the entire problem and that I am crazy and have the brain cells of an ant.
Things really took a turn for the worse (and for the slightly surreal) when we were staying in a hotel just outside of London. He threw one of his usual tantrums, accusing me of being drunk and “kicking off” (I believe this time it was for trying to talk to him while he was watching tv). He started saying that he was going to put his socks on then his shoes on, and then move halfway to the door and then all the way to the door and then leave unless I stopped “kicking off”. I told him he sounded a bit peculiar talking in that manner and requested he sit down, relax and (I think) I told him I would give him a massage (I always really wanted him to just let me touch him and be intimate like a normal couple would). This just seemed to enrage him more. As promised, the socks soon made an appearance, followed by the shoes, until he was out the door. I signed, had a couple more glasses of wine and went to bed, not bothering to put my phone on charge like I normally do.
When I woke up I went to look at my phone but it was gone. In a mixture of confusion and a serious hangover, I looked everywhere for it, before informing the hotel staff who suggested I call the police. Big mistake. I was hysterical when the police arrived and said something ridiculous as I still felt drunk and half asleep and ended up being detained in a secure unit (In other words a mental hospital) because I was drunk and making silly threats. For some reason they allowed me to have my work phone with me in the cell, so I called my ex and after I calmed down, they interviewed me and made me speak to a doctor who confirmed that no, I am not crazy, just emotional and hungover, and they soon let me go. My ex came to meet me and the second we came into contact he launched into a huge rant about all the things I had been saying to people about him. I was baffled at first as to how he knew what I had been telling my mum and my best friend until reality hit me. I demanded he give me my phone back, and he did. He had taken it from the room without me knowing before he left and had gone through all my emails and text messages that I had sent various people, even messages from before I had met him. He took great joy in telling people we work with how “mad” I am because I had been in a mental hospital, despite the fact that if he hadn’t have stolen my phone then I wouldn’t have ended up there!
He also discovered through searching my phone that I had been in touch with his ex. I was distraught as I never wanted him to find out, as I knew he would feel betrayed. I also know that should I not have wished to experience the consequences, should he find out then maybe I shouldn’t have made the contact in the first place, but I never give up on a person, and I truly wanted to be the one woman to heal him and make him happy- I felt as though I had failed as all I did was make things worse. I am still confused about it all- Maybe deep down I did in fact speak out about him with underlying malicious intent, as some kind of attempt at hurting him for all the times he had needlessly and relentlessly hurt me? Most people who ended up becoming involved in the situation (All explained in the next part of my blog) have told me that I didn’t do anything wrong and that he deserved it for all the mental and emotional pain he had put me through over the months, but in all honesty, I am not sure- as I did (and kind of still do) feel a bit guilty. However, what happened in the following months made me feel more guilt than I ever even thought possible.
 TO BE CONTINUED, dum dum duuuuuuum…………………