I have now been several months complete No Contact with my ex and I feel great! (Not quite “amazing” as I still have flashbacks, strange dreams and anxiety issues). I went to see my doctor as I had been on the receiving end of an outbreak of Guttate Psoriasis- He confirmed it was due to trauma and stress which I had already guessed as I’d had a similar outbreak of the rash a couple of years earlier after a particularly stressful incident (But that’s another blog for when I am more or less out of the adult industry). I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, otherwise known as PTSD which also didn’t come as a surprise. It was annoying as at first the creams didn’t work on the rash and I had to turn down mainstream acing roles and cancel a couple of shoots I had lined up as my whole body was covered. Luckily after a month or so I started using Dovobet which cleared it up pretty quickly and now I only have a few faded marks around my stomach area.
I joined my local health club and regularly go of an evening to use the jacuzzi, steam rooms and swimming pool- I find swimming helps me to thrash out some of my anger and I have always loved being in the water, so it helps me to relax also! I did get a few funny looks when I first joined as I was covered in Psoriasis but I just carried on regardless. I also started going out for meals a few times a week- I may have looked lonely at by myself and I know some girls who wouldn’t be seen dead dining out alone, but I didn’t want to just sit in my house feeling miserable. Some nights I would just take my laptop to the local hotel and sit in the lobby browsing the internet, just to be around other people in a happy environment I don’t feel the need to go out somewhere every evening now, but I still feel better if I get a bit of fresh air to break up the evening as I usually on’t go to bed until around 1-1:30am- Even just a walk to the local corner shop to buy a bag or sweets or a nutrient drink will do!
As for my ex- Well he has been crossed off several more people’s Christmas card lists after throwing a strop when he didn’t win Male Performer Of The Year at an award show just gone because he claims he was embarrassed in front of the two girls he brought with him, and has since demanded the money back that “he” supposedly paid for a VIP table at the event (More than likely money he had left over from me). He is also now demanding all the contact details for the individuals who made up the committee that organized the event- Needless to say pretty much everyone in the adult industry now, if not before, think he is a total idiot. It was very difficult being in the same room with him at the event, however I stuck with my friends all night and made sure to keep as far away from him as I could. Luckily he made no attempt to talk to me and hasn’t now for a good few months.
My current situation now is that I have just put down a deposit on a gorgeous one bedroom apartment in West Sussex and am moving in next week (28th October 2015 to be exact for anyone reading months down the line). I have started to feel a lot more confident and relaxed plus my sleep has improved as I pretty much had Insomnia a few months back. I have less panic attacks now and only drink once a week, sometimes once every two weeks as opposed to almost every night when I was with my ex. I spend my days going for walks, seeing friends, working, and planning my future. I have now almost half of what I had in my savings before I met him, and by the beginning of next year I intend to be on the verge of smashing through the full amount!
Once I move, I plan to join my local health club, including the gym which believe it or not, I have never ever been to in my life! I want to feel and look healthy- Everyone is saying how healthier I look nowadays, but I want to feel that adrenaline of working out and knowing I’ve had a good session when my muscles are aching! I am also going to take cookery classes if I can find any local, as I want to be able to make nice food for my friends, and healthy meals for myself. I also want to be able to cook well for when I finally find a new partner- This time one who appreciates all I do for him and one who I can look after, knowing he will always support me too. I also intend to volunteer at an animal shelter and have also applied through Women’s Aid to train as a support worker for other women and children who are victims of abuse. I am still on anxiety and antidepressant tablets, however once I register with a new GP I can ask him the best way to eventually come off them, as I want to apply for reality tv shows- A few of which require a clean slate of mental health.
I do still look back at some of the days and nights out I had with him and friends, and feel nostalgia, as I did have some fun, reasonably pleasant times during our earlier. However, as one of my good friends recently said to me, “Sometimes we miss the memories, not the person”. I believe this to be true in my case as I don’t miss his abuse in the lightest- just the travelling around and having someone to explore the local areas with. I almost feel I am mourning for memories of the kind of relationship I so badly wanted, but never had.
Also over the last several months as thins were coming to n end, I was disgusted to see that an amateur model who used to sleep with my ex’s best friend was, for seemingly no apparent reason, writing on social media that I am a deluded out of control alcoholic with no friends, who fabricated my entire relationship with him! She claimed she asked him about his “year long relationship” and that he “looked totally surprised”. I did confront him over this and ask him does he know people are laughing at me and saying I am deluded for thinking we were a couple. Of course he knew- this incident made me so angry, but then again, the woman who said it is not, and never will be on my success level, so I should give her a break I guess.
This is the end of my domestic violence story, and the beginning of my new life as a survivor and stronger person. I hope I didn’t bore you with my moaning and ramblings, but I felt it important to share my story, as through promoting this through friends/colleagues and on my social media pages, I know it will reach a wide and varied audience. If I can help a handful of women or just even one or two to realise they are victims and’/or to leave their abusers, then I feel that the hours I took and cigarettes I smoked whilst writing this will have been worth it. If you are here then no matter how much or little of my story you have read (I wouldn’t blame anyone for not having the time or concentration to read the whole saga) I want to say thank you and that normal service will resume in a couple of weeks, meaning you will soon be able to read about farting hippies, weird locals and the usual stuff & nonsense that I post!
***I would appreciate feedback on these postings and also be interested to know if my story has helped anyone, so if you have any sensible questions or comments for me then you can email me at email@example.com***
Again, thank you for reading.