As much as my ex slowly took away all my confidence and brought back my anxiety issues- I have no problem admitting that he was rarely physically abusive. There are a couple of incidents that border on it, mainly whilst both under the influence of alcohol, but he is so adamant that it was all done in “self defense” (Yes from a petite young girl half his age) that I am still not really sure what to make of it all. Make your own mind up.
The first time he physically hurt me was at a hotel in Croydon (I don’t seem to have much luck in Croydon). We had been out drinking and I remember us arguing as we returned to the room. I also remember telling him I loved him for the first time (In hindsight I don’t actually believe that a couple of months into a relationship you can truly love someone, but I definitely had strong feelings for him and in a way I guess I was tying to calm him down). He sat down and I went over to him and put my hands on his shoulders, looked him in the eye and told him to relax and cuddle me. In return he raised his knee and it hit me moderately hard in the groin- He showed no remorse and told me it was in self defense as I was “grabbing” him. I was in shock and went for a cigarette. When I came back he was still angry- I tried to lie down on the bed until he chilled out but instead he grabbed a chair and told me he was going to put it “right over my head”. I was genuinely a bit scared as he could be unpredictable especially when drunk. Luckily once I pretended to be asleep he just got into bed and went to sleep also. I didn’t get much sleep that night as my brain was racing. I really should have left him that night, but like many other women with their abusive partners, I didn’t.
The second incident was when we were staying in Windsor- We had been having a pretty good day/evening until we decided to go to a strip club once all the other bars had shut. I swear from the moment we got in there, he was on my case. He kept talking about how I had been “fucking Spiderman” (I had not long shot a porn parody of Spiderman) I did try to point out that it was ACTING for WORK and nothing more than that. but it fell on deaf ears. He kept making digs at me and was in a real mood. He kept telling me to go and buy him more drinks (It wasn’t a cheap club) and telling me how if I can “fuck Spiderman” then he can go and talk to strippers without me being there. It was all a bit peculiar so I got a bit agitated and just left him to it. We left slightly before closing time with him still mouthing away at me as we got to the door. I tried to put my hands on his shoulders again to try and calm him down, but as soon as I touched him he shoved his fist right into my stomach! I don’t know whether it was a deliberate punch but it hurt and the security guy pinned him to the wall and shouted at him to never do that to a woman. I was hysterical and tried to break it up. Again, my ex claims it was “self defense”. I still am not sure what to believe. Once we got outside he walked away from me and just left me in the middle of the street at 4am with no idea how to get back to the hotel. I rang him crying, begging him to come back but he just sneered at me calling me names and saying I have to find the way back myself. I tried to ask the club security to call me a taxi but they refused. I stood there crying and calling my ex begging him to come back for ages until I saw a taxi and managed to get back to he hotel where he was waiting outside. The next day when I tried to bring up what happened in the club, he just told me to go away and walk on the other side of the road from him. Should I have finished with him that day? Yes. Did I? No.
The most horrible incident was when we were at his house watching tv and I was trying to chat with him. He kept telling me to be quiet so I tried to explain that it is possible to chat whilst watching tv but he wasn’t having it and told me to get out the room and go and sit in the kitchen (He used to make me go and sit in the kitchen/spare room a lot if I did something he didn’t like). I didn’t want to so I told him I would be quiet but he forced me out the door and slammed it. I tried to get back in but he kept pushing the door shut. Then he opened it looking really angry so I ran down the stairs. He followed me and ordered me into the kitchen and held the door shut. I was a bit scared at this point and just wanted to leave the house so I tried to open it but he kept slamming the door shut. All of a sudden, he banged the door open full force- It smashed me right in the face and shattered three of the veneers that I had paid a small fortune for. I was in shock and he started telling me to look at what I’ve done and that it was all my fault and I must now suffer the consequences of my actions. He showed no remorse, made no apology and simply told me to call my dentist and get it sorted. His exact words were, “You kicked off and now you’ve got no teeth”. He then casually went back up to his room and got his laptop (which I paid for) out. I ended up paying £200 in a taxi to get to Ashford to see my dentist. He managed to fix them but still charged me £500 which my ex should have paid but I knew there was no chance of that ever happening so I just paid it over the course of a few weeks. My ex later texted me asking how I got on at the dentist- It made me feel sick as he kept telling me for ages after that he did nothing wrong and that the whole incident was my fault. If he was angry with me (Which he always was) for moths after he would remind me of the incident and come out with quips such as, “Remember the last time you kicked off and didn’t do as I told you? You ended up with no teeth”. I would get chills every time he said these things as they almost sounded slightly threatening and malicious. Again, I still am not sure whether this incident really WAS my fault or not as he sure knew how to make me question myself….
There were other small incidents like him shoving me and threatening me- A few times when he was drunk he threatened to smash my face in- From what I remember every time it was because I was tipsy/drunk and being a bit loud and answering him back when he told me to shut up etc. He also threatened to pour a bottle of water over my head when I was in bed (I believe this was because he wasn’t happy that because I have IBS I sometimes feel the need to urinate more than a “regular” person would during the night). Another time he raised a pair of hair straighteners at me at a hotel in Bank whilst we were getting ready for an industry party with a clear intent to threaten and intimidate me. He used to male me sleep in the spare room a lot and sit in the kitchen if he wasn’t happy with my behaviour. In hotels sometimes he would tell me to leave the room until I “calmed down”. Despite the many times I told him that the reason I get upset and sometimes act sarcastic and answer him back is because of the attitude he takes towards me, plus the fact I suffer from moderate anxiety and panic attacks but no- He was always the innocent one and I was the one who was “abusive”- Yes seriously, he used to tell me that I was the abusive one! If I had panic attacks when we were out and about, he would tell me to walk away from him and if I tried to hold on to his arm for support, he would just shove me away and insult me.
I also remember a time when we were watching the news and an update on the Oscar Pistorious trial came on- My ex’s exact words were, “Of course he shot her- She was a golddigging slut”. He didn’t outright say his girlfriend deserved to be shot, but he showed no emotion towards the story at all and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he did feel this way. I remember when I told him that when i was 18 I had been dating a sexually and mentally abusive man who physically hurt me, and my ex’s reaction was to tell me that “there is no effect without a cause” (A quote from “The Matrix” I believe) and that I must have done something to provoke this man’s reaction…. He also claimed that victims of abuse usually are somewhat to blame for their partner’s actions.
Wow, I actually felt a whole range of emotions whilst writing this post, none of them pleasant ones.