And The Award For The Biggest Lunatic Of 2015 Goes To………

This bloke I met at an awards show last year when I was drunk. This story is honestly a reminder to both myself and anyone else, why it’s not great to get drunk in a room containing a lot of strangers, as you may find yourself in a similar situation to what I did (Although hopefully not with the same fruitloop).

I don’t even remember giving this random dude my phone number but I must have done as a few days later I had a missed call from a number I didn’t recognise. They’d left a voiemail so I listened to it, and it was quite possibly one of the weirdest things I had ever heard! It was just this guy going “Ohhhhh uuuummmmmm hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Emma. Yo maaaaan! It’s me *Insert name here* from the UKAP Awards, you remember?!” He then went on to mumble something about lemons and The Shard then the voicemail ended. I didn’t even remember giving him my number, and barely remembered the guy at all to be honest. I didn’t reply and just assumed he was probably drunk and wouldn’t call again if I didn;t make contact. Oh how wrong was I?!?!?!

Every fucking day for the next few weeks this idiot would text me things like “Yoooooooooo hippies bruv hows the shard going?” and call me three times a day. I sent one text telling him he had the wrong number but he just wouldn’t stop!! One Saturday at 1am when I’d had a couple of drinks and he rang, I just answered the phone for a laugh…. I really wish I hadn’t. He launched into this long speech about how he had been straining for a poo all day but couldn’t go, but it was ok as he had just done a massive shit and he felt a lot better. His arse had felt as though it was on fire, but it was worth it when he relieved himself…… I just sat there gobsmacked! He then said “anyway, how are you?” as if his tummy troubles were a perfectly normal thing to confide in with a total stranger! I just hung up and went to bed.

I really wish I could say it was the alcohol making me imagine things but it don’t work like dat! He tried to call me a few times over the following week and texted me something about not having enough fibre in his diet, but when I didn’t make any contact he appeared to give up and I haven’t heard from him since.

There is a lot to learn from this story- For me, that will teach me a lesson on getting drunk and giving out my number, and a friendly note to any guys unsure of how to approach a girl……. Disclosing your bowel problems with her will more than likely just get you labelled a loon and blocked/blacklisted in her phone!