Would YOU like ice with that?

Recently I have developed a real love of swimming and being in the water, and now it’s heading up to summer (Or what’s left of it in Britain nowadays) I have been meaning for ages to go to an outdoor pool, as the last time I went to one was with a couple I used to be friends with several years back and their other mate, and let’s just say it ended with said mate throwing his jeans into the pool with his wallet and mobile phone intact.. Yes.

I found one local to where I was staying with my friend that week so decided to pop along for, well y’know, a relaxing, non eventful, non mental swim in what the website claims to be a “heated outdoor pool”. I arrived there only to be confronted to a sight I won’t forget in a hurry. All three lanes of the pool were absolutely PACKED with people frantically swimming up and down non stop, even the “slow lane”. There were people catapulting themselves into the deep end “which stupidly was like 11 metres deep- Surely they would struggle to swim to the surface from that? Also what a waste of water. People were huffing and roaring and looked genuinely really angry!

I managed to find a small spot where I descended into the pool, thinking at least it will be heated- well I thought wrong, didn’t I? The water was fucking freezing!! I just kept getting these really manic swimmers whizzing past me either side and splashing water all over me. The lifeguard was walking around and noticed I looked a bit weirded out- He told me that it’s mainly members of the club who go there. There were two other guys stood near me who also looked as though they were thinking, “What the fuck is this?” so I guess they were just non suspecting visitors too, who had decided to have a relaxing sunny day at the pool.

It gets eve weirder- A few times these “members” would swim past me in their rage and say to me and the two other guys, “Would you like ice with that?” Other members in earshot would giggle and kind of nudge each other in a really odd looking manner. Fuck knows what they meant but at this point, not only was I freezing cold as I couldn’t move anywhere, that I was becoming paranoid that I was missing some kind of “in joke” and that someone may very well pour ice all over me!

I got out and went to the cafe for half an hour for a bit of “normality” before attempting to see if I may be able to actually get a quick swim in. I shouldn’t have been surprised to see pretty much all the same people as before, still thrashing angrily up and down in the pool. In fact it looked as though more had joined in. I sighed, thought “fuck this weird shit” and made my way to the changing room. On my way out I asked the receptionist why they claim on their website that the pool is heated- Apparently it isn’t and is just a joke between the members and staff that all the frantic swimming generates so much body heat, that the pool is pretty much heated anyway. I didn’t even bother trying to explain how fucking stupid that is and just left and went home.

Compete waste of £5.50 but I guess if nothing else, I at least have another weird story to tell and write about. I’d still like to know though what it is those lunatics think I may like ice with!