Ye Olde English Splodgeinary Part 2

Whether you are following on from Part 1, or have just spontaneously splattered onto this post, allow me to present to you, another exquisite collection of my finest words and phrases.


POPSPLAT: The crangliest hippy ever, who loiters outside the Brewery Shades pub in Crawley, wearing no trousers, and swigs from a suspicious looking bottle. Doesn’t matter what hour it is- he will be present… but his trousers most definitely won’t!

HIPPY BATHDAY: The most elusive birthday card in the country, with the only high street store brave/weird enough to sell it, being Papaerchase on Tottenham Court Road, in their “Just For Lolz” section. The cover consists of a scribbling of a chortling hippy, sat in a bathtub, waving a rubber duck, and 100% looks like the result of giving crayons to a crackhead. It is also available on some Scottish guy’s Etsy store for £3 a pop. (You can see the crangle card in all it’s gory glory via the accompanying photo for this blog post, you lucky, mucky pups)!

MASS SPLODGING: When the great British public unite in the name of my birthday, in order to assist me in receiving as many “Hippy Bathday” cards as possible. In 2018 when the debut splodge commenced, Paperchase AND the crangly Etsy store ran dry! They were no longer hoarding hobos or harbouring hippies! I think that year I received close to 50 splats, only to lose them several months later when I moved to London, which was then rectified a short while after, when the next mass birthday splodging got away, and I received almost as many again. Papaerchase stopped stocking them in 2019, not long after I performed a live rendition of my Christmas chart topper, “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Splodgy Hobos” in store, whilst filming it to tweet to them later. What a time to be alive!

FLANNEL MAN: The original splodgy hobo. Some dude with a beard who sent my friend a photo of himself laying in a dirty bathtub with a dishcloth on his groin that he appeared to be using as a flannel. He has become something of a legend on my social media profiles, and has many things photoshopped onto him for many different occasions. These include Donald Trump, my neighbour’s dog, an Easter egg, lovehearts, Buddy The Elf, Darth Vador and most iconic of all- The Bathtub Splodging, Discloth Hippy, Flannel Man- Porg Head Edition!!

CHUBBLENAUGHT/CHUFFLEWOMP: A weird product of the ocean, generally packing quite a lot of excess body weight. Usually some kind of mutated looking seal or narwhal. A walrus can also be a Chufflewomp, but only if it is really big, and affluent in the whisker department.

CRIBBLECAM: A website that live streams walruses and other non energetic sea life all day and night without fail. Employs someone who’s job it is to compile daily a “highlights reel”, which usually consists of a solid 20 minutes of various womps and naughts just laying on the beach, with the occasional excitement of watching one attempt to hump another, or waddle into the sea. I shouldn’t laugh though- In reality, they probably captivate and maintain more of an audience on webcam than I’ve ever done.

SNUFFIE: Any really adorable smol and tyni animal, in particular my housemate’s puppy, or one of the cats from my old house.

COODLEME: An elongated way of saying a “cuddle”. Originates from the time I wrote a song about my cat, titled “Plumpton Needs A Coodleme”, which consisted of the title being repeated over and over, increasingly becoming more frantic, and with lots of finger snapping and movements that were intended to somehow resemble a jazz/swing performance.

OLD MAN GRUMPLES: A really leathered and weathered old grandad, who gets angry when his desert doesn’t arrive within five minutes of ordering in restaurants, and who’s favourite hobby is forcing everyone within earshot, to listen to detailed stories about wars that never existed.

PICKLET EXPLOSION: When something so exciting happens, that you feel a build up of energy, that can only be expressed by slapping your knees like bongo drums, before bellowing “PICKLETS”, in a sickly sweet childlike voice

HEHE HAHA SQUASHIES: When you see a packet of Swizels Drumstick Squashies sweets in your local supermarket, and have no other choice but to record yourself on your phone, holding the pack whilst screaming “HEHE HAHA SQAUSHIES”, again in a sickly sweet childlike voice. Has to be seen/heard to be believed, but the “HEHE HAHA” part, slightly resembles the very beginning of the song “Saturday Night” by Whigfield.  The first time I performed this sacred ritual, two older American ladies walked into the aisle with big smiles on their faces, probably expecting to see a sweet young child, only to be confronted with a woman in her mid 20s, holding a packet of Drumsticks.

CRUMBLING CUTHBERT: A bloke in his 50’s who wears glasses and enjoys dressing as Where’s Walley, whilst bathing in custard pies. Usually named Simon, or occasionally Cliff.

SPLATCUD: When two adorable creatures that are usually pandas, splat on top of each other into a cuddle. Can also, but without making a habit of, be applied to koalas. Definitely not encouraged by narwhals.

MAKE A DAYBOO: When you do something for the first time. Originates from the time 24 baby pandas in China made their public dayboo, all sunggling and cuddling, with one even going splat onto the carpet.

SNOOGLEY LEG BOP: When a baby panda frantically moves it’s leg up and down, as though it is dancing, hence the “bop”. There exists a perfectly sane and healthy amount of videos dedicated entirely to this art form, available on Twitter, YouTube, and various other weird corners of the internet.

SWIFFERING: When a mother panda slowly drags her baby around, portraying the illusion that she is using the cub to clean the floor, somewhat like a mop.


So (at present) this concludes Ye Ole Splodgeinary. I would say you must be lost for words, but in all honesty, you have just been exposed to a whole load more of ’em than you were when you first started reading! I thought it might also be worth mentioning that it took me just under an hour to write both parts 1 and 2 of this trippy twaddle, meaning all these words and phrases are that much at the forefront of my mind, that I was able to remember all the definitions, plus write them down, in a reasonably short space of time.

I shouldn’t have to state this, but obviously all these words and phrases are just for fun, and I am not some unstable fruitloop with a laptop and internet access (Although I have no doubt there are people who would say otherwise, and I couldn’t give a Crumbling Cuthbert or a crangly cribblenaught about it). I will point out though, that “swiffering” is actually a recognised word in the wildlife fan/worker community!