Bassline Buggery

A few weeks ago I went to Cornwall with my friend for a mini holiday and on our drive back to London we were starting to feel tired and lacking energy. It was almost midnight and we still had over an hour to go, so she put on this album of music that her fiance really loves- known only as “Bassline”. Honestly, the only way I describe this is that’s it is the weirdest, angriest genre of music I have ever listened to!

Apparently there was a club up north somewhere (it appears to be a craze refined to that area of the country- luckily) that played this kind of “music” but it got shut down because every single weekend people would get drugged up and start stabbing each other! One song was so intensely angry that they randomly chucked in a verse from “Happy Birthday To Ya” at random intervals to calm people down a bit…… My favourite lyrics in one particularly odd melody was, “I’m watching yo gran’momma sucking my dick with her dentures still in!”. You could tell the guy was genuinely really angry about this old lady. Other inspiring lyrics included, “I’ll fuckin’ bang you up son”, and I swear at one part it was literally a bloke just shouting “You whaaaaaaaaaat maaaaaaaaaaate” for about two minutes. I say these are lyrics from specific songs, but in all honesty, the majority of it just seemed to blend into one big load of noise!

When I finally arrived home at 2am, I honestly went to bed full of adrenaline from that CD….. I have since drawn the conclusion that if you have a long day/journey ahead, or need to remain awake and alert, don’t bother poisoning you body with nasty energy drinks- just whack on a Bassline CD and away you go! This is also a great method if you are required to become very angry, very quickly. Maybe you are prepping yourself to enter the stage as a guest on the Jeremy Kyle Show, or plucking up the courage to finally “stick it” to your egomaniac boss….. Whatever the reason for your required rage, five minutes of listening to grown men screaming profanities at each other, and you will be impersonating The Incredible Hulk before you can say, “Oi blud, you ain’t no big man ting!”