Things really deteriorated over the following few months- We were seeing less and less of each other and the only times he would start a conversation via text with me was usually to ask for money or phone top ups (Yes seriously- he “needed my help” with money to top up his phone- His phone that I had bought him of course). He would claim he “just needed help” with money a lot. Each time we would see each other it would be for only a few hours a week where we would just go to a pub for food then drinks, where then he would pick an argument with me and claim I was “kicking off” and then leave. I remember him being really affectionate one night as I boarded the train home, hugging me and being sweet- I wondered what had come over him as he rarely behaved like that. The next day my hamster died- I texted him to tell him and all I got in response was “oh no” and then nothing for the rest of the evening. We met up the following day and he was back to his usual surely, controlling self again. I found out that evening that the night before when I was upset because my hamster died, he had gone to a party at the fetish club Torture Garden with a swinging couple he knows. I’m fairly confident he would have cheated on me that night- He didn’t even text or call me to make sure I was ok- He knows I adore animals and loved my pet a lot.
My Domestic Violence Story- The Beginning Of The End
One of the last times I saw him, he did his usual sitting in silence, drinking my money away before walking out but this time I confronted him and demanded to know why the hell he does all these things- He resulted in telling me to fuck off over and over before going up to a police car and telling the offiers he doesn’t want me anywhere near him and that I am crazy and had been “sectioned”, which is NOT the same thing at all as someone being detained until they sober up and calm down (Plus he forgot to mention that it was he who was the reason I was put there in the first place). Luckily the police could see I was genuinely upset and asked me had he ever hurt me- I was almost crying and asked them of they could check his records for any complaints from other people he has abused/assaulted. The officer went away for a minute then came back and told me that the best thing I should do would to be break all contact with him and keep well away, not answering any of his texts or phone calls. I don’t know what is on his record exactly, but for a police officer to actually wait with me until I got a taxi home and to be so adamant that I should leave him, I’d say it wasn’t an award for most loving boyfriend of the year.
The next evening he assaulted a security guard when they wouldn’t let him into a bar and ended up getting arrested and detained. I had no idea until an officer rang me and told me Kent police were coming over as he had claimed he lived at my address, when he didn’t! Of course I had to tell them that he didn’t live with me, and I asked them if I could speak to him, but apparently he didn’t want to. Without writing too much more in depth about it, court procedures took place and he got fined. I called him the day I knew he was free to go home, to check he was ok, and the first thing he did was shout down the phone at me that I had been “discussing” him with “other people”. I had no idea what he meant until I realised he must have meant because I told the police that he didn’t live at my house, and because I called custody a few times just to check that he was alright as I know how agitated he can get. He refused to speak to me for the rest of the day.
We saw each other a couple of times after that, but again only in the evenings for a couple of hours. He made me feel as though he was making a big effort by coming out to see me, and it would always be at a pub near his house- Never closer to where I live as he claims he had to get back “for work” the next day. He would claim he couldn’t see me some days as he was “ill” or “had to work”. I have no idea whether these excuses were real or not, but I suspect now that either he was back on drugs or cheating on me. He would sneer at me that we weren’t a couple because if I really loved him I wouldn’t be “slagging him off to everyone”- This had me almost in tears, begging him to stay and saying I know it was all my fault and that I was sorry (I knew it probably wasn’t all my fault but I genuinely did feel rotten and like I needed to apologise to him).
Eventually he just stopped answering my calls altogether and would only text me to ask me to “lend” him money. Within those few weeks I had started reading the Women’s Aid website forum and was shocked when I read some of the ladies’ stories- They were near enough identical to my own in regards to abuse techniques and the way they were made to feel! The more I read, the more I realised that my ex was a classic emotional, financial and psychological abuser. I also read up on the different types of abuse these men inflict on their victims, and just felt numb as I realised exactly what had been happening to me for the previous year or so- carefully orchestrated abuse to control me financially and emotionally- He had to keep my self esteem low, else I would slowly regain strength and fight back- ultimately leaving him which would mean no more free food, drinks and money. I cried so much at first because I just couldn’t understand why any man would purposely want to put someone he is supposed to love through that kind of mental torture…. But all the books, websites and experts were screaming back at me that this was exactly what he was doing. He had known from the start what he wanted to reduce me to, and he had seemingly gotten his way. It was that exact day that I decided I needed to go full “No Contact”. It was very hard at first as when he would text me I would feel a rush of excitement that he was still communicating with me, mixed with dread as to what I was about to read- 9/10 times he was just asking me for money. I began to understand that we had never really had “a relationship”. He had never held my hand in public, boasted about me or told me he loved or cared for me- I was just a pawn in his twisted, evil games that he enjoys inflicting on people as he jumps from taking advantage of one person to the next. After all the money, all the time I had spent on him- This hurt deeply.
Once I decided to go full No Contact, I stuck with it. I wasn’t sure what to expect from him, but he soonconfirmed my suspicions that he couldn’t care less about me by not making any contact with me either. I knew it was completely (Whatever the hell “it” was) over a few weeks later when I had heard nothing from him whatsoever. I decided to focus all my energy and emotions into moving on and starting the road to recovery from what I can only describe as the distorted, painful and toxic situation that I had allowed myself to fall deeper and deeper into over the course of the “relationship”.
As painful and daunting as it was, that is exactly what I did.