Ye Olde English Splodgeinary Part 1

As anyone who follows my online antics will know, I have a LOT of weird words that I just love to splatter into conversation and social media posts. None of them are particularly obvious as to what they mean either, so I have compiled a list below of the ones I get asked most about (and the ones that I actually am able to put into words). oH aNd nO I aM nOt On DrUgS.

SPLODGER: Someone really cool and fun. Usually a friend or a really awesome housemate, as this noble word was my nickname for my buddy Dave, who has been both my friend and my housemate.

BURGLARS TOOLS: Toes. Originates from something my friend’s nan said in 2014 when she was drunk. No need to ask further questions!

BURGLARS: Feet. Same origin as the above.

BURGLAR RESTRAINTS: Socks.

TOOLSACKS: Shoes.

REVERSE BURGLARS/REVERSIES: Hands and fingers. My own spin on my friend’s nan’s iconic phrase.

REVERSIE SHIELD/BURGLARS TOOL SHIELD PAINT: Nail/toenail varnish

REVERSIE REVVIN/BURGLAR BUFFING: Manicure and pedicure.

FLAILING: Getting totally pissed and waving your arms around a lot, favourably, but not exclusively to, angry rap/hip hop music. Derives from the time I got drunk in Spain and listened to the song “Many Men” by 50 Cent on repeat in my friend’s garden for a solid hour, and despite only ever have hearing the song once or twice before, knew every single word off by heart. I expect my friend’s neighbours involuntarily know all the words off by heart now, also.

CRANGLING: Again, getting really hammered. The most fulfilling type of crangling is when you do it at a posh hotel in Clifton, Bristol, which results in yourself and your friend frantically calling the hotel reception at 4am, to inform them that Machine Gun Kelly dissed Eminem.

SPLODGY HOBO: A really jovial drunk person, usually with a rather righteous display of facial fuzz (not necessarily an actual homesless person). Originates from a guy I used to see flailing outside Portsmouth train station, who looked strikingly similar to Peter Dinklage, although I think in reality, he was just a pub landlord who lived over the road.

FLONKY: A human (usually a hippy or a wizard) who can’t decide if they’d rather be a swashbuckling pirate with an eyepatch, or a sheep farmer from Slough named Alvin. Not necessarily influenced by anyone I’ve actually met, but by a random thought I had whilst waiting for the bus around a year ago.

SWOOGLE/SWOGGLY:  A really crangly hippy, who usually dresses as a leprechaun (and occasionally, on Tuesdays, a pirate). Is very well endowed in the facial fuzz department, and has an equally as swoggly son, with whom he likes to sit with in Crawley County Mall, whilst shouting nonsense at strangers. Walks with purpose, as though he’s about to compete for the World Heavyweight Championship, when in reality he’s probably just rushing to get another bottle of Scrumpy Jack from B&M Bargains before it shuts. 40% inspired by a wrestler. 60% inspired by some drunk in my local shopping centre.

 

CRANGLY OLD FLUBBERJUBBER: The one thing you never, under ANY circumstances, refer to someone as on Twitter. Breaking this fundamental rule will result in immediate suspension of your Twitter account, for an entire month, no matter how frequently or angrily you appeal against it. You have warned.

 

If you are still reading at this point, congratulations- your brain is currently filled with almost as much nonsense as mine is on a permanent basis! I am sure you are now of the mindset where you would love to know the definitions of “popsplats” and “chufflewomps”, so to accomplish this, please keep on cribblin’ over into Part 2!